This thing...

After a night of glee and laughter here and there, and not to mention the general happy fasad of summer... there's this thing. This thing of which I'm referring to,  haunts me when I'm awake and caught in those moments of loneliness, in my bedroom, or in the corner of the house at an awkward period of time when the outside noises fade and my mind is left to itself to think and muse.... and then the thing creeps up through the floor boards and into my skin and chills every little happy thought in my head...

-_-

Day 9 of no self- harm. Well... exhausted is the little girl again. Yet, she has a purpose.. so, she soldiers on.

Dear Charlotte,
I see you have been "soldiering on," yet how weary you are...
I fear you shall never rest. How bittersweet it is to have no more beautiful battle wounds. You are plain and undefined and lost.

... i shall run away and be a pirate.

Day 6....
Well, the lightbulb armies in the sky are being covered up by long melting taffy clouds in the sky today. Don't know what to think. But i'd love to go find some treasure chests on an island far faaaaaaaar away.

Dear Charlotte,
Ah, here we are. So, you've been crying in your best friends arms this evening i see? Talk about pathetic... Why are you so soft? You know you can't ever give a whole heart to a friend ever again. Because your heart is a broken one. The end of this book is coming, my dear. It is coming and you can't stop it. Don't drag your poor little friends down with you. It seems that you are just a constant circle of never ending weakness that continuously drags every love down to hell. Enjoy the ride darling.. just know that life is a forever farewell. The end is going to hurt them. But hey, you can end it sweetly, at least.

Day 5 of "goodbye self-harm"

Ah, day 5. I hate you? I love you? Where are my friends when i cannot tell them about my little love affair with with the scissors and knives and monsters and demons and persons that are knocking at my minds window panes. I wonder if the glass is going to brake any time soon?

Lets hope not. 

Dear Charlotte, (alternate self/character of me)

I saw you in the mirror today and you looked like a bit of a lunatic. See, the pretty pictures on your arms need more color and i swear you've gained 15 pounds this summer. What the fuck are you doing? Also, Charlotte? You're kind of a slut.. what are you thinking? Letting boys kiss you, and hang out with you. You'll never be good enough for a real guy. Just look at the one your hearts gone for. Yeah... you'll never be good enough. Also, what happened to being true to yourself? You gave yourself 100 days and now you have given up on your whole plan. You're hopeless, and gutless. You can't even go through with your own suicide. You'll never be able to live up to anything or be true to yourself. Stop trying. Damn. What a mess...